I read this article from Desiring God, that caused me to evaluate this past year.
The main point of Sam Allberry’s article, was how God works all things for the good of those who love Him. He couldn’t be more right, and I see that thread all throughout the past year.
This year was one of the most hectic and JAM PACKED years I have had, I went back to school while working full time, I have now moved twice, done a little traveling a few times so far, lost a few people (both two death & relationship wise), struggled with despair, struggled with joy. And it has been so hectic, to the point, that I some times forget what things happened this year, and what has happened in the previous years, because it doesn’t seem like there was a moments rest, but rather constantly being on my toes waiting for the next thing.
All year, the Lord has just reveal so many things to me.
Through school, He showed me how undisciplined and lazy/slothful I am. Often, I was so disgusted with how bad it was. I did not manage my school work well, at all. To the point that this semester, I thought I would have to retake one of the easiest classes I had, because I kept forgetting to do my assignments and turn them in.
The family I lived with for almost 2 years, moved to North Carolina to pursue seminary, and I was so broken over them leaving. That was really hard for me, because they had become family, taught me how to be an adult, and loved me, rebuked me, and walked alongside me through a lot of things.
Doubt.. There were also many times, where I saw my lack of trust. I was on a constant cycle of episodes of depression and despair. I probably was on a downward slope more than I was on spiritual highs. There was one point earlier this year, that my heart ached every day probably for a few months, doubting multiple things. I doubted my salvation so much – and even worse whether God actually existed. During that time, I was learning about apologetics from a super smart guy, with the teens at church… and so every day I was trying to argue truth with myself. Reminding myself, from studying anatomy and learning about the “fine tuned” argument, that there is a Creator, otherwise there’s no way the body could maintain homeostasis, or that it can function in the way it functions, and that the earth, gravity, chemicals, etc. are so fine tuned, that without a Creator, none of this is absolutely possible, because one thing that is off by even the nth degree, it could not possible exist. And then, arguing the fact that the Creator was real, I was left with fighting whether I was a Christian. Constantly, being shown my sin, was killing me, and I was constantly thinking “how can my evil soul be saved?!” But the grace of the Lord is so abundant, that just by me questioning that, just by seeing how much I hated my sin, I could see He was just working in my weary heart. And this past semester, reading through Revelation, really showed me how I was and am the Lord’s, He has sealed me, and I am forever His.
One verse that was particularly sweet was Isaiah 42:3 “a bruised reed he will not break, and a faintly burning wick he will not quench; he will faithfully bring forth justice.” As His child, He will not let that happen. His Spirit will enable me to persevere to the end.
Loss.. I lost a family member, though, not super close to, but did know.. was rough for me, during my time of struggling with God’s existence, as well as seeing my grandfather for the first time in years, as he was immobile, unable to talk, etc. I was doubting the Lord’s goodness, and finally came out of that season, and witnessed that, and it was as if it had all hit me once more. The inexpressible joy I had felt, was ripped right from underneath me by the enemy. I was consistently reminding myself, that it’s okay, this doesn’t negate his goodness. I lost a person, which I don’t want to go into, but I know it was for the best, and I’m not sure if we will ever be reconciled, but I am consistently praying for her & her salvation. I lost a guy, a very godly guy, who I liked, and thought things could finally workout with after a year of us not talking, and growing in the Lord. But it didn’t. Distance was clearly hard to overcome, my fear got the best of me, but ultimately the Lord is faithful.
Sin.. This year, I can safely say has been a battle of the flesh versus the will of the spirit. I’ve come to the conclusion, that the farther along you get in your walk, and the more faithfully you study and learn who God is, the more you see how freakin sinful you are in relation to this holy God. Every time I looked around the corner, it was like I was seeing more and more how sinful I was. (Hence my huge struggle with my salvation.) I walk away this year, with a deeper reality of how ugly my sin is. And the deeper my relationship with God has grown, I see how holy, just, and beautiful He is. And how sinfulness has no right or place to even stand in his presence. But, here I am, standing before him, praying to him, reading his Word, communing with him, fellowshipping with his children, full of sin. O, how I don’t deserve that grace.
But, thankfully, it doesn’t end there.
The thread of God’s grace, and how he works all things for the good of those who loves him, runs through each and every one of these scenarios and other’s that I did not list.
Through my struggle with school, I see how weak I am, and how much I need God to carry me and give me the strength to do what I am supposed to.
Through my friends leaving, I was able to live with another family who loved me so well, and who were a grace and joy in my life. and I believe has deepened my love for not only the second family I lived with, but also the love for the first family.
My doubt showed me, that it is so easy for me to be like “a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind” (James 1:6). But, God, is unshakeable and unchangeable. And though I do not feel he is near, it does not mean that he is. Though I cannot comprehend his ways, does not make them wrong or false. He is the steady foundation upon which I must stand and build my house.
Through loss, through my own commitment issues, I have seen that in people’s unfaithfulness, and in people’s departures, God is a faithful God, who is always there, and will never leave.
Through my sin, I have seen, that grace abounds. I have seen how much I hate it. I have praised God for giving me a spirit that is sensitive to my sin, that sees it quickly, so that I may repent, and return to my first love (Revelation 2:4). I don’t deserve that, yet, he allows me to see it, he enables me to repent and turn from sins. God is a stronghold in the constant battle of sin. I see how weak my flesh is, and how needy I am, and how much I must rely on Him to help carry me to the end of my days.
This year, I have never longed for Heaven so much in my life. And all of these things, plus more, just fuel the fire of that desire.
This year, I have never had to remind myself of the gospel so many times. How I was dead in my sin, God chose me before the foundation of the world, and sent His precious Son, who is God incarnate, to die on a Cross, bearing the wrath deserved for my sin, and rose from the dead, and is in Heaven, constantly interceding for me. O, what a precious truth this is.
This year, I have had relationships grow so much deeper with people. Groups of accountability. Praying with and for people. Being one who for a few years was being poured into, having the blessing of pouring into others. The love and closeness of the body of Christ, is absolutely precious.
And, discipleship relationships, every Christian needs them.
I have grown to, though I feel sad and unhappy, and broken and hurt, to be filled with so much joy, knowing this won’t last forever and one day I will be in glory with my Father.
This year, I’ve learned a lot more about God’s wrath. Which is been scary and good. And in that, I’ve learned about his justice. How he is justified in doing what he does. Even if my sinful heart doesn’t like it. But knowing he is all together good, and can see what I cannot.
I have tasted and seen more abundantly, His goodness.
I have repented more than I ever have. Praise God.
“I have learned to kiss the wave that throws me against the Rock of Ages.” Charles Spurgeon
He is an awesome God.
My goals for 2019.
- Manage time better, even if it’s just a little better.
- Praise God more and more.
- Repent more.
- Commune with Him, even when I do not feel like it.
- Constantly remind myself, that even in struggles God is good and this all is for my good.
- Learn from this year.
- Pray more, knowing He can, He will, and even if not.. He is still God.
- Every time I see an idol in my heart, smash it, and put God back in His rightful place.
- Memorize more scripture.
(that’s it for now, I’m sure more will be added to that list :P)
I am so thankful for the fact that the Lord sanctifies. Each minute of fighting with sin, struggle, amount of suffering, is preparing us for “an eternal weight of glory” (2 Cor 4:17), and we are being made more like Christ. He loves us & cares for us, and is always with us. Praise Him.
Grace & peace,
Miranda
There is more mercy in Christ. 